Hope
by Animerica4
Summary: -oneshot- a rather lengthy fic about N. Korea, her life and complexity.


She threw up.

-line break—

She wiped her mouth as she sat up, the pain gone for now. In the back of her mind, North Korea hoped that none of the vomit had stained her dress – navy blue, one that she had been instructed to wear to an elite gathering tonight, something that her leader had put together. She was forcefully invited, of course.

The faint cries of her starving people were all she could hear. Her mouth felt dry and her emotions were twisted in a mix of bitterness, fear, hurt and anger.

She threw up again.

-line break—

North Korea steeled her nerves and plastered on a sickly sweet grin – after all, appearances were everything – and headed back inside. Her attention was immediately focused on her leader, who was currently chatting with a couple of elites from the USSR.

She approached him.

"Good evening, sir," North Korea said. Her leader looked over, smiling, though his eyes were dark and distant.

"Good evening to you as well, Korea…your dress is absolutely stunning. Would you care for some wine?" he asked, taking her hand in a viselike grasp and guiding it toward the drink.

"Of course, sir, I would love some…sir," she replied, even though she did not want any.

"A wise choice," he murmured, wrapping her fingers around the handle and lifting it to her lips. All around her, people laughed and talked in low voices. The light from overhead began to make her eyes hurt.

Two other men were standing nearby, looking at her. One of them said to her leader, "Say, Kim…isn't she your lady?" Kim turned, instantly adopting an innocent expression. He laughed.

"Of course she is! I raised her well, would you not say? Look at how wonderfully obedient and loyal she is," Kim said, gesturing back at North Korea. "She wouldn't even dare of breaking our system or hurting me. She is as faithful as the rest of her people."

She kept her face a blank slate, faced them and folded her hands neatly into her dress. She could take this, she would do this.

After all, appearances were everything.

-line break—

Korea went home alone that night. Her house was huge and splendid, provided to her by her government. It had polished floors and several chandeliers, a hot tub and many rooms, with two kitchens and a screening room.

Not to say that she wasn't grateful for being able to reside in such a beautiful home but it still felt wrong. How could she drink wine and wear nice clothes and stuff herself on various foods when the rest of her people starved?

Years of practicing self – control had paid off well; she was able to eat, take a bath and slip into her nightgown before she lost herself. North Korea buried her face into her knees as she sat on her ridiculously huge bed in her even more ridiculously vast bedroom.

She slipped off of her bed and went to the window, pressing her hands against it. Outside she saw nothing but darkness. This was typical, and she thought nothing of it. Korea briefly contemplated turning on her radio, but she didn't particularly feel like being bombarded with anti – west propaganda, or speeches praising the government, at this time.

God, how she missed the old days…she missed being able to run over to Russia's house as a child, and he would smile and put her on his lap and she would curl up and they would just talk. She missed China, how he would ruffle her hair and offer to cook for her. He would tell her stories of his ancient past, and she had always, always listened with intense fascination.

But most of all she missed South Korea. Even though their governments weren't on the best of terms, they had been able to tolerate each other for a while. She criticized his lifestyle and he judged hers.

Deep down, she really did care about him.

-line break—

The light fell through the window and across the floor, up her bed and shining on her face. She clenched her eyes shut, fingers uncurling and reaching out for something to grab. She just wished that it wasn't morning already.

But she knew that she had to go forward.

It was only after she had dressed and eaten did she receive a strong sense that something was about to happen. Her intuition was more developed than other nations, it seemed. She directed the full blame towards being isolated for most of her life.

A simple phone call did her in.

After the third ring, she sighed and picked it up. "Hello, this is North speaking."

The caller turned out to be her leader. Her heart sank, but she kept all emotion out of her voice and perfected her blank expression as they spoke.

Appearances meant survival. Survival meant life. Life meant that hopefully, someday, she could actually leave.

-line break—

Under her bed was a stash of old Western records. Hidden above the refrigerator were several boxes of American candy. Tucked safely away between the couch cushions was a cell phone from Europe.

No one else knew about this. North Korea forbade herself to even think about it while her leader was over, lest she slip up. To her government, to her leader, she was the perfect model of obedience. _Look at her, look at how loyal she is,_ they all say. _She's never once raised her voice or given anyone the wrong look. Her leader has trained her to be perfect._

By God, it was sickening, to have such false praise heaped upon her, as if she were just a mannequin, a statue…something that was meant to be looked at and not touched, or provoked.

But she knew that she couldn't do anything about it, for the time being. Her life was a list, a schedule, every step having been beat into her memory a long time ago. Wake up, prepare, speak with her leader, act obedient, put on smiles and false hopes for a better future, ignore her people, speak with her leader, act obedient and keep her cool.

She wanted to die.

 _Later,_ she told herself. _At home there will be plenty of things to throw around. Emotions are meant to be displayed in private._ It wasn't much of a promise, but it gave her temporary comfort and allowed her to slip into her usual façade once again.

Right now she and her leader were situated in her living room. A servant attended to both of them, offering snacks and drinks. Her leader took a bite of his salad and gazed at her impatiently.

"You _do_ understand the importance of what I am saying, Korea?" he asked. She immediately nodded, wishing she could focus on anything else but his face…his eyes….

"Yes, sir, I do, sir," she told him. He nodded in satisfaction and then set his food down. A servant came and whisked it away to the kitchen.

"Excellent," he said. "Then I shall expect to see you in my office tomorrow afternoon." He stood up, pulled his jacket on and left, taking the few servants with him.

North Korea gave herself several minutes of silence before she let her mask crack, and she let out a heavy sigh of relief. She slipped off of the couch and knelt down, sticking her fingers through a cushion. Her fingers wrapped around a record and she pulled it out.

She took out her player and carefully laid the record on it, glancing around every few seconds to make sure that there were no spies. It had happened once before, two months ago, and she almost got caught buying an American television set, through her black market. It was a terrifying day, and she eventually had to go without it.

Korea turned it on, and the voice of Elton John drifted throughout her house. She spent the rest of the day soaking in blissful peace.

-line break—

 _"Dear Leader, dear leader!" the young Korea called out, waving at the man. He looked at her and instantly scowled._

 _"You're much too loud, child. I am trying to do business here, so go to someone else. Perhaps Ivan or Yao will be with you today," he said. The girl's face fell and the man felt the slightest twinge of guilt._

 _"But, dear leader, you told me to come to you if I have a question!" she said. He sighed and put down his work._

 _"Alright, then, what is your question?"_

 _"I want to know why our people are eating grass!"_

 _He froze, then closed his eyes and turned away from her. "I do not know," he replied. "Perhaps you should ask them."_

 _Korea's face lit back up again. "Oh, that's a good idea!" She ran off, shouting at someone else._

 _The man relaxed, focusing back on his work. It was better if the child did not know why…_

 _In the distance, he heard the sound of someone retching, followed by a high pitched shriek._

 _"No! Dear leader, please help! My people have no food!"_

The sun beamed brightly overhead, casting long shadows of anyone who walked in its path. North Korea walked alone today. A bridge loomed ahead of her, though no cars were using it. Behind her, buildings rose into the sky, though she knew that most of them were empty.

She stopped, brushing her hair out of her face. In her mind, she could almost picture vehicles zooming down this street, with people walking back and forth on the sidewalks. She could imagine the cities filled with crowds, with laughter and joy and _freedom._

Oh, how she envied America now. Even if his leader was a total asshole – she didn't need propaganda to inform her of that fact – just the very idea of democracy and "all people are created equal" belief tugged at her heart.

She looked up at the sky. It was a glorious blue. _Hope is out there somewhere, I just know it is,_ she thought.

The wind whistled through the trees and blew her hair back into her face. A strange sound escaped her throat. North Korea paused, unsure what to make of it.

It had been so long since she'd actually, truly, laughed, that she had forgotten what it even sounded like. Pleasurable, perhaps…definitely not forced. She liked it.

-line break—

Times like this was when she longed for someone else, whether it be a friend, a lover…even her own brother would do right now. Her hands felt numb. Her lip had split and was now bleeding. Her face was bright red, although she wasn't quite sure why.

But she could not complain. She knew this, of course. To rail against the leader or the government was a dark promise of death, or being taken away to a work camp, where everyone was beaten and starved and tortured and just _worked to death…_

Korea wished for the umpteenth time that she was a human. At least, she might have a family who cared about her, who would cry for her at night if she was ever taken away. She wished she was in a work camp. At least there she could stop pretending and she could reveal who she really was. If she was there, she wouldn't have the threat of feeling utterly disappointed or regretful when her leader looks at her in that way, or when he forces her to be a display stand, an empty shell of loyalty and obedience for everyone to marvel at.

A picture of a gun flashes through her mind, but this time she does not push it away. She wonders if it is worth it.

She wished that she had someone to care for her, to care about her.

Memories of cold snow, a scarf and a bottle of vodka resurface. _Russia cared about you…but then, from what I've heard, the USSR fell apart a long time ago. Now he hates you…everyone hates you._

Pandas, bamboo forests, the thick, savory smell of something good wafting through the window, warm brown eyes looking into her own…

 _China also cared about you…but where is he now? I haven't seen him in years…decades…months…just wake up, Korea. The whole world hates you and no one loves you. That's the truth…it has to be, right?_

Someone's hand took hers. An annoying yet vaguely familiar voice entered her mind: "Oh, come on now, North! No one hates you! Remember when I taught you how to play badminton! You tripped over your own feet and you yelled at me but you kept on playing. Remember that?"

Her hands shook. She squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to not cry. It didn't work, though. _South isn't here…he's not here…he hates you…no one loves you. That's right, because I do not deserve to be loved._

Tears flowed freely down North Korea's face.

-line break—

It was raining, but she did not care. Today was a day for peace, a day for a relaxation. No one was allowed to come over and bother her right now. She was wearing her favorite outfit – a striped tee shirt with Levi jeans that were ripped at the knees. It had always been stuffed away under a sink in one of the bathrooms, kept out of sight from her leader, whom she knew would lose it if he ever saw her wearing a Western outfit.

But she was feeling rather rebellious today. So she played her Western music and ate Hershey kisses and put on old American cowboy movies. More and more of her people were becoming aware of what the outside world was really like – and they were influencing her to act the same.

She knew it was dangerous, but she didn't really care either way. She had a Turkish flag under her bed and a desk that she had bought from an elderly man several months ago who had claimed to have bought it from someone in the Swedish black market, hidden away in the attic.

Korea danced. She had done it before, but only when her leader requested her to, and that usually only happened at social gatherings and elitist parties. Dancing was seen as a Western thing, and therefore it was evil and was banned.

She was done, done with it all. She despised being the government's plaything, something to be poked and prodded at, to be molded into perfection. She put on her smiles and she wore old fashioned clothes and she went to their meetings and she praised her Dear Leader and she dutifully did whatever he wanted of her.

But she was done being the perfect model. She wanted _more_ than this.

-line break—

"North, you came!"

"Yes, didn't I say that I would?"

"Yeah, but…um…I just thought that your boss…"

"Oh, forget about him. I don't even like him. I want to go out on the town. I want to get drunk."

"North…what happened? Are you sure you're okay?"

"I've never been better, to be honest! Why do you ask?"

"Oh…it's nothing, never mind. Hey, do you want to check out this new restaurant that just opened?"

"I'd love to, South!"

She took his arm in his and smiled. He was taken aback, studying her face. "What _happened_ to you, North? You _never_ act like this!"

She just simply laughed. "Changes are coming, my friend, they are coming."

"Well…if you say so," he replied, still unsure what to make of this new behavior. He started pulling her along. "So you'll never guess what China did the other day…."

"…and Hong Kong _still_ won't come out of his room! Can you believe that? Just because China disappeared for, like, an hour! Turns out all Aniki did was visit Tibet, oh my god! Hong Kong is _way_ too attached to China!"

North Korea chuckled. "Look who's talking. You hang out with China all the time, practically more than anyone I know."

"North, I'm the only one that you _do_ know," he told her. Her gaze fell.

"…Right."

"Wait, I didn't mean that. Do you want to meet Taiwan? She's so sweet!"

"She'll hate me."

"No, she won't."

"Everyone hates me."

"My god, North, is that what you've been telling yourself this whole time? You seriously need to get out in the world more. _I_ like you, okay? I like you for you, not for what your government does."

She sighed, staring down into her bowl. Then she looked up at him and grinned. "Thanks, South…I really don't know what I would do if I didn't have you."

He moved over to her side and wrapped his arm around her. "You're my little sis, got it? I may hate your boss and I may hate your government but there is nothing in this world that could ever make me hate _you_ , as a person."

"Just because your government sucks doesn't mean you do, as the nation. I care very much about you, okay?"

North Korea laughed again. "I care about you too."

He smiled. "Good! Hey, let's go shopping after this! I saw this gorgeous dress in a stall yesterday and I know you'd look wonderful in it!"

"I can't wait, South," she told him.

"And then I'll call Taiwan and you two can meet! Trust me; she's as sweet as a piece of cake…"

She felt her heart grow soft with fondness, watching him in amusement as he talked on and on. She reached for his hand and clutched it tightly.

 _Everyone else might hate you…but not you, South. We're family, after all. And families help one another…_

Korea leaned her head back and watched the birds fly overhead. The sun fell on the back of her hair. She closed her eyes and sighed in contentment, listening to the sound of people all around her.

An image of a gun flashed through her mind, but she pushed it away once again. Life was good. She had hope, and she was stubborn. Eventually, change _would_ come to her. Her people would be free.

She would rejoice.

-line break—

"Hi!"

"Hey, Taiwan, it's nice to see you again!"

"How have you been, Korea?"

"Just fine! Oh, and there's someone I want you to meet."

"Hmm, who is it?"

"Taiwan, this is my sister. North, this is Taiwan."

"Hello."

"Oh, Korea, you didn't tell me that you had a sister!"

"Yeah, I do. Her name is North Korea."

"What?"

"Please, just be nice to her."

"Oh…okay, then. How do you do…North Korea?"

"I am fine, thank you for asking."

Taiwan looked a bit nervous, shifting in her seat at the table. South Korea sat across from her, looking doubtful, and North Korea was standing by the door.

"My brother has told me a lot of good things about you."

"He…did?"

"Yes, he said that you were a very sweet woman."

The Taiwanese nation nodded. "It's true, I am very sweet. But forgive me for asking…why are you here? I just…I had always assumed that you hated the outside world."

North Korea hid a smile. "No, it's not that…it was just my leader. He is the one that hates the outside world. But I'm tired of doing whatever he wants."

"So…you're rebelling?"

"Yes, in a way, you could say that."

"Oh…"

South Korea chose this moment to interrupt. "Does anyone want to play a board game? I have two in the back of my car."

Taiwan grinned. "Sure! I love board games! They are super fun! Do you want to join us, North Korea?"

"Absolutely," she replied.

"Excellent! I'll be right back! And then maybe we can all have some tea, too!" South Korea shouted as he ran out the door.

Korea looked cautiously at Taiwan, before dissolving into laughter. "God, he has so much high energy," the island girl said, trying hard to keep a straight face. North Korea agreed.

North Korea went to the window and looked up. A small smile formed on her face.

The sky was blue.

 _ **A/N: Sorry about the long absence, but I just got over a really bad illness. This is my apology gift to you all.**_

 _ **So pretty much every fact I put in here about N. Korea is true. Especially the part where I wrote that the people are becoming more aware of the outside world…but really I just wanted to elaborate more on North Korea's character**_

 _ **I personally think that North Korea could be the most complex Asian character, and I kind of expanded on that. Hope you enjoy and please don't be offended!**_


End file.
